I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
