listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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