Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
