the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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