Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
