I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
