Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
