Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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