I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
