If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
