You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
