This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
