im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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