I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
