god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
