God, you're like boner-b-gone
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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