I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
