you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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