I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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