is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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