I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
