I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize