she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
