there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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