i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
