you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
