I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
