i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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