I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
