I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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