I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
