i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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