tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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