i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
