he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hello my rib-scented angel!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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