You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
