She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
