i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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