So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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