It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
