I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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