I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
