The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
