i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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