I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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