my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
we're making bets on your personal life
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
