Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
