I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
