why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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