I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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