Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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