I can text with my tongue
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
