My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
