Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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