I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
