at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
