i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
